So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
