Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
