I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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