He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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