He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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