Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
