this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
