He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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