He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
