i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
