I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Did I show you my penis last night?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
