Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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