Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
