My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
it hurts more in the daytime
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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