my phone needs a breathalizer
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
