I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
