Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I CAN MOONWALK!
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize
