oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize