I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
