capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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