how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
