My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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