She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize