Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
