It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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