life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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