Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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