My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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