Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
