My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
