I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
