Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
So many bounce houses so little time
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
