I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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