I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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