Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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