You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
