Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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