i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
