WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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