My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
