Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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