I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
