why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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