Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
