The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
