White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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