I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
