his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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