im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
then he tried to convert me to islam
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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