if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
