I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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