You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
