I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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