I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
