I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
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