Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
