It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
