totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
